Beauty Spots

Posted on 07/23/2023 @ 9:44am by

746 words; about a 4 minute read

I was in full contemplation of a vast purchase (which is even better than what meditation can achieve), namely a mine on Gavara, which is operated by Stellar Mining (Ferengi owned), when Razir (my cultural attaché) barged into my office - as is his habit anytime half an idea crosses his mind.

This time though, the young man had not contrived an improbable get rich scheme. To my huge surprise he had been working relentlessly on the cultural exhibition he had promised me months ago. I followed him to the reception room where the event is to be hosted, and indeed, there stood a dozen panels highlighting the greatest moments in Ferengi history. Everything was there, among them: the development of our unified global economy around 2700 BCE (Hewmon timeline). How Gint, our first Grand Nagus, conceived the Rules of Acquisition, and also how we have cleverly avoided every interstellar war. It was not all as nice and shiny as latinum though. Razir had also made room for the gory battle of Prexnak (no survivors) and the assassination of Grand Nagus Smeet, who - horror! - had been plagued with next to no financial hindsight. Among the visual treats there were also many images from 2151: the first - unofficial - encounter between the Federation and the Ferengi Alliance.

The tour ended with a collection of splendid views from Ferenginar, listing our renowned beauty spots. Yes, we do have these too. Chiefly among them is Swamp Ogogpo, whose muds, and their medicinal properties, are famous throughout the Alliance.

I was well pleased, until Razir asked if there was a place on Ferenginar that I particularly liked? Maybe a favourite location I used to visit during summer? If so he would add a panel on this glorious location.

This brought dark thoughts, as I spent my childhood locked up in a boarding school that had all the markings of a correctional facility. And then a little light surfaced. Back in summer ‘72, with three other younglings, I managed to run away from our school. After a five mile walk, we discovered Glop Shore, a small town, which to us looked as magnificent as Ferenginar City and its Tower of Commerce. I have seen pictures of this town since, and it is as tacky as any seaside resorts ought to be when cash doesn’t flow very well. But as a 13 year old, everything in those streets looked splendid. The Ferengi flag was displayed every few feets, making you feel well at home. Back then, basking in blissful ignorance, I thought that, the bigger the flag, the more honest its owner was. Of course, we got ripped off in every shop we stopped by. The sellers of local delicacies, honeyed flavoured beetles and grasshoppers, and our very first attempt at using a holo-suite. Thankfully this happened before we went to a liquor shop and spent the last of our latinum strips on two bottles of black hole (we said it was for our uncle, and we bribed the vendor, showing our business flair). We were later to discover that nothing was free in this town. Not even observing the sunset.

The authorities found us dead drunk, by the seaside, at 3am, our bodies pretty much covered with crustaceans. Having the official monopoly on violence, those guys kicked us back to our school. Sadly, since we no longer had any latinum, we couldn't bribe them and receive some leniency.

A memorable moment this was, since our bruises were seen as the awe-inspiring marks of our bravery. A model that every other student wished to follow.

At this point, Razir asked me what we did in the holosuite. I wish I could say we did something a little racy, but that was far from our minds. What we did in that suite was to take a much needed lesson in self-defence. This prompted my attaché, whose mind is about as slow as that of a snailosaurus, to remark that I didn’t have a happy childhood.

So what? All that is gone now. Look at me: I'm a GPR and soon I'll be the proud owner of my very first mine. Isn’t this a triumph over adversity?

Anyway, this talk gave me an idea. One day - pretty soon, not in ten years - I’ll go to Swamp Ogogpo with Kreca. It’s only right that, at least once in my life, I see the good side of my own homeworld.

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