Memories, Long Gone

Posted on 07/03/2021 @ 8:00pm by Captain Cornelius Harrington & Kenzie Skye

2,255 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: The Mirror’s Edge
Location: Ready Room

In a normal workweek, Neil did anything he could to stay at home. Spending time with the kids and helping them realize that life could be normal was important. They needed to know that no matter what happened, going forward, they were safe, loved, and taken care of. He passed his Yeoman, “no calls, no meetings, no visitors,” he gave her a fake smile.

He took off his jacket as he tossed it, hell he didn’t even care where it landed just that he landed somewhere. Walking over to the cabinet behind the desk, he pulled out a glass and a small brightly colored bottle. He set the two items on the desk as he looked around the room. He had no plans and at the moment he needed some alone time to figure things out.

His eyes drifted to each of the large windows that spanned the wall, eventually landing on a bookshelf in the distance. Something caught his eye, as he reached behind him and pulled out a second glass. He slowly made his way over to the shelf as he plucked a photo out. It wasn’t his deceased wife or a former girlfriend. It wasn’t a long-lost conquest or even anyone he had been romantically involved with. However, out of everyone that had ever crossed his path, this person knew him better than probably anyone.

He set the photo on the desk as he poured the liquid into each glass. Setting one glass in front of the picture, he picked up the second one and gave a slight nod to the picture. “If you were here,” he smiled, but the smile was just a mask to cover the pain, “I know this would all be worked out. I know what you’d say.”

He sipped the liquid, “who am I kidding, you’d kick my ass and tell me to get it together.” He set the glass down. He took a long breath in, “I messed up and …” He ran his hands through his beard, “you sent Mikky here for a family. I’m afraid I might have messed that up too.” He took a second sip, “and before you say it, yes, I know Mikky can be taken care of and he will be fine.” He shook his head, “I just can’t shake the feeling, I let you down. You certainly didn’t expect this when you set up the plans for him.”

"I learned long ago to not set expectations with my plans." A voice said. "I have always, and still need a good male figure in his life." She said, "Have you considered that you're feeling that you let yourself down? Not me? Why don't you tell me how you think you let me down?"

Neil looked up as the figure of a red-headed female appeared in the room sitting in one of the sofas that spanned the largest of the three windows. Neil just chuckled, he picked up his drink as he made his way to the sofa. “You know,” he looked at the figure, “since Lucia died I’ve never been alone. I had you and Asami,” he looked at her, “then I found Alexis, Anna, Adira, and now,” he sighed, “this other Adira. Every time something happens I rush to the easiest thing to fill that void.” He sipped his drink, “come on Kenz, even you have to agree that’s not right.”

"Maybe your problem is you keep picking girls with the letter A." Kenzie chuckled as she curled on the sofa a little and faced him. "Being alone isn't easy. Sure, some people deal with unhealthy codependency, but not being alone is not always a sign of that." She explained. "Are you afraid to be alone?"

Neil laughed, in a nervous fashion, “no,” he wrinkled his nose, “come one look around,” he paused briefly realizing how odd that sounded. “The Commanding Officer of the station is rarely alone, and I have four kids at home… being alone is a treat at this point.” He knew better as soon as the words left his mouth. They were about as hollow as their intent. She wasn’t asking if the Commanding Officer had a fear, but Neil. “You know my past,” he chuckled, “hell, I am not even sure my wife knows my past. All I ever wanted was a family,” what he left out was a family to prove that he was better than his father.

"Uh huh." Kenzie said, "being in the presence of people or even family doesn't mean you don't leave companionship. Hell, I was alone when we met, just me and Mikky, running from his father… it wasn't until I got with Asami things started to stabilize for me. So alone isn't really the right thought. So why do you think that you need a companion?" She asked. "Or not?"

“That’s not a fair question,” he looked at her, gone was the smile or the chuckle. “You already know the answer to that,” he chastised her. How odd was this conversion, he was getting mad at a memory; a ghost of someone that was no longer in his life. “You got Asami, what did I get?” He was glad she wasn’t there at that moment, that sentence was meant to cause pain.

He stood up as he walked over to the window, running his hands through his hair. “If you were actually sitting on that sofa, I’d apologize. But, you aren’t truly there, are you?”


Kenzie shrugged "I am as real as you need me to be Neil. Maybe you should still apologize for insulting the memory of your best friend." She chided him. " But you tell me. What do you have?"

“What do I have,” he turned and looked at the ghost sitting on his sofa, “I have a string of failed relationships, a dead wife, a dead fiance, and my current wife that I am realizing I don't truly know. I have wasted so much time rushing from one thing to another that I think even I don’t really know myself. Isn’t that the real question? Who is Neil Harrington without someone on his arm?” He plopped back down on the sofa, “at least that is what the media would have you believe.”

"Well I haven't seen any media news recently so …" she laughed. "Knowing yourself is an ever progressing journey. I don't think you'd even meet an old El Aurian who can claim to really know themselves." She commented. "What if knowing yourself means accepting that you crave true companionship to be fulfilled in life?" She asked. "Such as knowing yourself enough to know that no matter what you do you'll always be a better father than your own?" She challenged.

“You remember when we got stuck in that holodeck,” he honestly wasn’t changing the topic. “You fell, broke your leg, or something,” he looked at her. “Something you said that day stuck with me,” he paused trying to remember exactly how she said it. “We were standing on that rope bridge, with you rocking it back and forth,” he looked at her, “I wanted to vomit, hated it”

He sighed, “you looked at me and said, you know it’s best to face your fears in safe environments.” He looked at her, but was honestly looking through her to the various events that brought him here. “I’ve never allowed myself that safe environment, when things became uncertain or unstable I just moved to a different situation.”

“Even my current marriage it’s just another way of hiding from that bit of me that is afraid of being alone,” he stated, “not to say there isn’t something between me and Adira,” he opened his eyes wider, “but we don't know each other. We both entered this in an attempt to fill a hole that was missing from each of us.” He covered his mouth as he tried to think, “we are two pieces of a puzzle that are broken, and we are trying to fit them together forcefully rather than putting the rest of the puzzle together.”

"Well look at you, Einstein. What do I need my degree for?" She teased him. "Do you think that If the rest of the puzzle is built that there is room for both your pieces on the board?" she asked him.

“You’re still an asshole,” he smirked. “Two weeks ago I would have said yes, absolutely. But things have happened,” he stated, “the DTI, her joining the organization that has caused me a lot of grief, and now child services,” he sighed. “Life is what happens to us while we make other plans,” he added, “if fate means for us to be together then it will work out. But, seeing the pain in the kids’ eyes and the confusion I am not sure it’s right to just force this because neither wants to be alone.”

“We need to fix ourselves if this is ever going to work,” Neil explained, “and whatever happens from there, happens.”

Kenzie raised her brows, "So what you're getting from all these things is that you need to just let life happen to you?" She asked. "If you don't decide what you want and work towards that goal then whatever comes your way will not be to your benefit. In fact, it will steal from you, beat you up, and spit you out just because life isn't fair." She said, "What do you really want in life Neil personally, deeply."

His voice cracked a little as he spoke, “I don’t know.” He was a hard fact, and a painful truth; he didn’t know what he wanted. “He died you know,” he stated, “only a select few here know that.” He looked at her, “didn’t go out with a bang. He didn’t make a big wave, or fight till the last breath just,” he blew out a small breath, “just disappeared.” He couldn’t look at her, he looked anywhere else but her face.

“Plenty of time has passed and yet I can’t talk to my mother about it,” Neil admitted.

"Does that bother you?" Kenzie asked with a softer voice.

“How could it not bother me?” he replied. “You know what that man did to me,” Neil left home, and except for a few chance meetings the two never really spoke. “There is a lot of baggage that will never be taken care of,” he added, “last time I saw him on Earth he made it clear that we were no longer a family. He wrote me off.” Neil cocked his head, “but, how could a father just write off his child?” Neil didn’t know the strings his father had pulled to help him clear his name. Every favor called in died with the Senior Harrington on Earth. “Who am I kidding? We wrote each other off years ago,” Neil admitted, “so why does it bother me, then?”

Kenzie offered him a smile and an answer this time. "because he was your father. And as many mistakes he made and anger between you two, you're still a son who craves the love of his daddy." She said, "It's the most natural and yet confusing thing in the world. The longing for love and acceptance is something none can escape. Trying to escape it causes more harm than good " she looked at him firmly. "That longing for love and acceptance seems to be a pattern in your life hmm? Seems like your issues with your father are bleeding out in other areas."

“So what's the next step, Marley?” he asked her.

"Well, you have some more ghosts to talk with." She smirked at him. "Part of you knows what you need to do. These are conversations you need to have with someone more than a ghost." She told him. "You will never escape the longing to be a son to your father, but you can repair those holes by being a good father to your son's."

"You need to decide what you want Neil. In your personal life, specifically. If you want a good marriage you need to start with communicating as adults with your wife." She added.

"And you need to stop hiding from your mother. It might be painful, but if you let the wound fester it will continue to poison you, your children, your marriage, and your career." Kenzie said. " You know this." She smirked, "I am just in your head."

“You sound like a friend of mine here on the station,” Neil thought of Kaylee, “she’s been checking with me every few days to make sure I’ve contacted my mother,” He walked back over to the sofa, as he picked up his glass of ale. He looked over to Kenzie and then emptied the glass’s contents. He walked over to the desk, as he poured a second glass. “You’re right, you are just in my head aren’t you,” he took a sip, “and I do know what I need to do.” Looking down at her picture, “Lord how I wish you were truly here right now,” he turned back to the sofa but she was gone.

He lifted his glass just a bit, “rest well, Kenzie,” he nodded, as he took another sip.

Off:

Captain Neil Harrington
Commanding Officer

Kenzie Skye
- all in his head (npc Adira)

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